Today I had a sudden insight, a moment of revelation perhaps, about how selfish a person I really am. (I know a hundred people will probably protest that statement after reading it but I really mean it).
I was just sitting here reading Juan Rulfo's Pedro Paramo and it occurred to me that I never really intended to live very long. Which I guess is weird because most people want to live as long as possible.
Now don't get the wrong impression, I'm not planning on dying any time soon. I just only ever envisioned outliving my parents so they wouldn't be unhappy when I died (and of course I worry about the rest of my family but I hoped they would have families of their own to help them cope).
Really though, I never had any solid plans for making it to old age and that's pretty selfish of me. Way to disregard others' desires, social (and evolutionary) responsibilities and most of all God's will.
I know if I had children of my own that plan would change (I'd probably want to live long for them). But for now I just can't seem to make myself care that much. Also, that may have something to do with the fact that nobody can really picture me married/with children.
Or maybe it's not selfishness at all, maybe it's actually selfless that I want to live for other people and don't care really to make my own goals...I don't know.
Again this ties into the fact that I'm constantly wavering between trying to make people love and depend on me and trying to convince them that I'm Machiavellian and self-serving and they should never really trust me. I think at this point I've successfully told every friend I've made in the past 3 years that I am not actually nice and that I'm manipulative etc. etc. etc.
What's left at the end of this is the realisation that I really can't decide whether I'm a nice person or not. That uncertainty over who I am is something that's being worrying me a lot over the past few years and in some sense it's really quite distressing.
And I can say that I suppose that not knowing who I am just makes me human but sometimes I wonder...
Gah. This is too deep for a Sunday night. I am going to go take a shower and make dinner.
I just felt the need to post this so I could get input from the people I respect (and the very fact that you're reading this means you're one of them).
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Ash, I don't quite know what input to give on this...now first things first...why tell people how mean you really are? All they need to do is see you in action around us at home and everyone will know LOL ...no I am so kidding.....
ReplyDeleteDon't tell yourself or other people things like that because you perpetuate that idea within your head, and you put that idea in other people's heads which only serves to make them think less of you...which then perpetuates the cycle of you trying harder to win affection/love etc...not a good plan...
and on that note, i know you don't need anyone to tell you this, but you have so much going for you as an individual that you should not ever have to feel that you need to "make people love and depend on you". Be super confident and know your own worth!!!
(which is A LOT btw)
Lots of love